The Year in Review, Part Two

The following stories exemplify the diverse nature of the kinds of topics that captured America’s imagination, tied it up and locked it in a coat closet. They are so ridiculous that they have no choice but to be true.

“Two Dead, Venomous Snakes Found in Package at Post Office”

In Beaver County, Pa., two dead poisonous pit vipers were discovered at a post office in a box marked as t-shirts. They probably came from Amazon, considering that the place is a jungle. My first thought is that the snakes may not be covered by Amazon’s return policy. When I looked at the choices for “Reasons for Return,” there was no box to check for “Snake Arrived Dead.”

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“Cat Survives Eight Days in Box After Owner Accidentally Mails Her 260 Miles Away”

A Cornwall woman mistakenly sent her cat Cupcake to West Sussex, instead of the CDs she thought she was posting. When the cat was found days later in the post office, it displayed an expression of anger, disillusionment and also relief that there were no pit vipers in the box. If I had known that you could “accidentally” put a cat in a box and mail it hundreds of miles away, there would certainly be fewer cats around my house. Further, if there is an open box anywhere in the room my cat will jump into it, proving that it is open to the idea.

“Boaty McBoatface Wins Poll to Name Polar Research Vessel”

The Natural Environment Research Council held an online vote to name its new research ship, and the name “Boaty McBoatface” garnered 93,000 votes more than its nearest competitor. If the contest had been held in America, it is unclear whether the vessel would have been voted into the presidency. The NERC seemed relieved that voters were shown the front of the boat rather than the rear, or the name they chose could have been even worse.

“Citizen Scientists Capture Video of Large Object Crashing into Jupiter”

This year, amateur astronomers in different parts of the world caught video of a celestial body impacting Jupiter. Even though I know she isn’t alive anymore, I swear this one sounds like an example of my mom trying to parallel park.

“Sperm Bank’s ‘Perfect Donor’ Was Mentally Ill”

Georgia-based sperm bank Xytex advertised Donor 9623 as the “perfect donor,” but when his name was accidentally revealed by the company, it came to light that he was a bipolar convicted felon with schizophrenia and other personality disorders. Records show that he fathered 36 children through this process, so many that the sperm bank may consider installing an ATM for withdrawals.

“Libertarian Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson Stumbles on Geography Question”

When asked during the campaign what he planned to do about the war-torn Syrian city of Aleppo, Gary Johnson asked, “And what is Aleppo?” The interviewer, not thinking on his feet, missed the opportunity to inform Johnson that Aleppo is a cross between a leopard and a hippo. The fallout from the gaffe was immediate and, of course, the American people rejected him as a contender for the presidency. Instead, they elected someone with a 140-character attention span, who said that “All of the women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously,” meaning that they may have been napping at the time.

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The opinions expressed herein are the writer's alone, and do not reflect the opinions of or anyone who works for is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the writer.

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