What’s That Bear Doing in My Pool?

The backstroke, of course. But the spate of recent bear sightings in upper Westchester is no joke. I consider myself something of an expert on ursine behavior, having watched nothing but television cartoons for about 14 years of my life. What I have learned is that they are frisky, adventurous, playful and speak perfect English. But they can also be dangerous if provoked or engaged close by their young.

They feel understandably angry because their habitat has been breached and shrunk by Trump real estate ventures. They are also peeved about being portrayed in television commercials as disproportionately obsessed with toilet paper and underwear. So they may be more prone than ever to lash out at humans and human-related targets.

It is best to avoid contact with bears whenever possible. The first rule is, don’t leave anything near your house that a bear could construe as edible. That means food left on a barbecue, easily accessible bird feeders, garbage not properly secured or pet food bowls outside the home.

Sign Up for E-News

For instance, my wife kept noticing a mysterious wild black cat hanging around our house for weeks, looking hungry and forlorn. She left a bowl of cat chow for it, and every once in a while we would see it out there taking a quick bite. One day we were at the neighbor’s house and there was the cat, sitting on the couch, looking at us like we were idiots. Barbara told us how they hardly ever fed the cat, it was “living off the land.”

Anyone should be suspicious of a cat “living off the land.” These are weird, delusional animals that kill a mole not to eat, but to play with. It’s not as much fun to play with a dead mole, but at least you can remember where you left it. If a cat wants food, it’s going to go home and make a grilled cheese sandwich or something.

We once camped in a yurt at Yosemite Park, and they were very strict about the storage of anything that a bear might be interested in eating. We were told to lock these items in special bear-proof containers. The only thing we were able to keep with us was a batch of my homemade biscuits I had brought along, which I think are great but my wife says should only be used as fishing-line sinkers.

If you do come into contact with a bear, it’s important that you keep your wits about you and know what to do. First, of course, take a selfie if you have time. Be sure to check your hair and makeup before you enter the forest. To make yourself appear larger, open your coat and stretch it open. This will make you appear larger than you actually are. You should also brag about your 401K.

Do not try to run away. Bears look like they haven’t hit the gym in quite a while, but they can decisively outrun a human on any terrain. You should back away slowly, talking to it so that it knows you are human. Don’t mention anything about toilet paper or underwear, or the size of its nose.

If you are an avid camper you should have a canister of pepper spray with you at all times in case of a bear attack, and to keep the kids out of your stuff. I keep one handy myself. I’m not a camper, but it’s easier than using the pepper grinder.

Say hello at: rlife8@hotmail.com. And join Rick and the Trashcan Poets on Friday, July 15, at Chat 19 in Larchmont and Saturday, July 16, at Mohansic Grill in Yorktown!

The opinions expressed herein are the writer's alone, and do not reflect the opinions of TAPinto.net or anyone who works for TAPinto.net. TAPinto.net is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the writer.

TAP Into Another Town's News:

You May Also Be Interested In

Sign Up for E-News

Somers

Load Up The Wagon!

We didn’t have the luxury of minivans when the boys were small. What we did have was a 1966 Ford Country Squire station wagon: long, sleek, solid and hunter green with imitation “woodie” trim.

Our wagon was certainly big enough to accommodate three growing boys and a baby in a portable crib (anchored down on the back seat) with plenty of room to spare.  This set-up ...

Twelve-score and one year ago

Last week, on the 4th of July, America turned 241 years old. Did you bring a birthday present? What do you get for the country that has everything? It has amber waves of grain, it has purple mountain majesties, it has oceans white with foam. Most of these  assets are highly leveraged to the Chinese at the moment, so you’d better get out and see them now because they’re planning ...

Cell phones: A boon or a bust?

We’ve all had the experience of being “butt-dialed,” a euphemism for your pocket-held cell phone accidentally pressing someone else’s number. My granddaughter, Shanna, has unknowingly called me from parties at 2 a.m. I’ve enjoyed listening in on many of her celebrations and sometimes even joined in the fun when being discovered on her phone.

My most recent cell ...

A (Burnt) Toast to Love and Marriage, on the Rocks

In its first few moments, sitcom-style comedy “Clever Little Lies” grabs audience attention right away, with one of the most revealing wardrobe changes you’ll ever see on stage. It is done modestly but just provocatively enough to elicit vocal appreciation from amused patrons.

The fast-paced play, starring Richard Kline of TV comedy classic “Three’s ...

The Adventures of Superdog

I was always very impressed that my dog could bark on command and come when I called his name, until I read in the newspaper about a dog that saved his owner’s life by calling 9-1-1. Apparently, when his owner had a seizure, the dog pushed a speed-dial button for 9-1-1, barked into the receiver for help, and then opened the door when the responders arrived.

Honestly, though, it’s ...

Upcoming Events

Carousel_image_ac458cf35e59e7e799ad_postcard_bocceside

Tue, July 17, 1:00 PM

Yorktown Heights

BOCCE OPEN PLAY

Sports

Carousel_image_ac458cf35e59e7e799ad_postcard_bocceside

Tue, July 24, 1:00 PM

Yorktown Heights

BOCCE OPEN PLAY

Sports

Sat, July 28, 6:30 PM

Weil Preserve, North Salem

Jazz in the Meadow with Bill Evans

Arts & Entertainment Other