Man Overboard

March 4, 2020

On a Saturday night I might say to my wife, I want to get out of the house, have a couple cocktails, see some live music. And because she’s now doing a cartwheel I realize she thinks I mean by myself, but she gets over it and the next step is to decide where we should go. It’s not as easy as it ...

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I’ve always lived in Westchester, and I’ve always known people in my days who play to “go big or go home.” They don’t do it unless they can do it right. Great hotels, trendy restaurants, dressed to impress and living large. If I thought I had to go big or go home all the time I’d probably never ...

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Love is all around, no need to waste it, but if you’d like to waste it, go ahead, join the club. So much love has been wasted on people who don’t love us back, but thank goodness it’s recyclable. So keep trying, and eventually, love will win out. If you’re still basking in the afterglow of St.

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I love to write, and the fact that I don’t often have anything particularly important to say should not deter you from loving to read. But if I’m expecting my writing to pay the bills around here, I’m going to need some smaller bills. For that I rely on my day job, working at the big television ...

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It’s almost time for the Big Game, although you’ll be reading this after the Lombardi Trophy has already been hoisted and the complaints have started pouring in about how Tom Brady managed to pull another one out of the hat, even though his team is not even playing. So much goes into those two ...

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We went to stay at my sister’s house last weekend to go skiing, but the thermometer hit 65 degrees and we weren’t dressed for water-skiing. Luckily we had made a back-up plan to play some tennis at the local resort. When we got there, the place was lined from stem to stern with guns of all sizes ...

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I have seen the future, and I have to be honest, it’s kind of silly. In early January the city of Las Vegas hosted the annual Consumer Electronics Show. For $300 bucks you could attend the three days of seminars, exhibits and conferences designed to highlight the latest and the brightest ...

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Soooo, we’re a couple weeks into the new decade, and it’s time we evaluated how it’s going so far. Did you make some New Year’s resolutions? Things about yourself that you’d like to change or improve? They’re not “New Year’s resolutions” to me, because most of them are the same ones I made to start ...

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These are the essential true stories that you’ll need to carry on in the new year. So stick them in your carry on bag, store them in the overhead bin and prepare for takeoff, but remember, contents may have shifted. GRANDMA GIVES BIRTH SO HER GAY SON CAN HAVE BABY In Nebraska a 61 year-old ...

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These stories are the highlights of the year in review, but I’m actually pretty surprised we viewed them in the first place. Look them up if you still believe that fiction is stranger than truth. MAN SCREAMING ‘WHY DON’T YOU DIE?’ AT SPIDER TRIGGERS POLICE RESPONSE This is the kind of thing ...

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Last Sunday my wife and I, along with Gidget, The Most Prettiest Dog in the World, joined a bunch of fellow Somers residents at the front lawn of the Elephant Hotel to usher in the holiday season with the lighting of the Somers Christmas tree. The weather was perfect, cool enough to warrant a cup ...

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They are out there living among us, and you may not even know they exist. And that’s because you always thought that they were him or her, but now they are they. How did this happen? It happened because since the beginning of time, society has told us that little boys are made of “snips and snails ...

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As long as we’re on the subject of Thanksgiving, and we’ve already given thanks for our great friends and family and our health, and all this great food, blah, blah, blah, I’d like to give thanks to whoever came up with the idea of a Quiet Car on my Metro North commuter train. The 8:04 out of ...

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I forgot to mention this but October 29th was National Cat Day. I hope you took the time to hug your cat and tell it how much you tolerate it. I wanted to hug my Cat so I went over to its expensive cat bed to grab it while it was asleep and snog the crap out of it but it saw me coming and ran under ...

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Is it a pumpkin? That big round orange thing with a goofy smile on its face? People voted for much the same thing for president before they knew how frightening it really was. What is so scary about pumpkins? The only thing scary about pumpkins is that someone might come along and try to make beer ...

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My wife told me that she’s going away for the weekend to my sister’s house in the Poconos. I hope it’s not to get in touch with her feelings or anything like that, because every time somebody I know gets in touch with their feelings, it’s always MY feelings that get hurt. If I want to get in touch ...

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The last time I visited Baltimore the Orioles were a winning team, so that shows you how long ago it was. It’s also the last time I visited my brother Mike, who lives near there. He is a version of me multiplied by an exponent, and since he’s older than I am, he must have been the model for my ...

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Every year my friends Phil and Athina host an old-fashioned hootenanny, where we gather around the fire with a bunch of guitars, sing some songs, tell some jokes, break bread and have a cocktail or two. If all the politicians could get together and do the same thing once in a while, I bet we could ...

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My dog is afraid of loud noises.  One of the loud noises he is afraid of is me yelling at the top of my lungs, “GET HIM!” while six New York Giants chase an opposing quarterback around the pocket on third and long, finally extruding him like a dollop of toothpaste into the flat for a gain of 16 ...

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Now jester minute here! Did I really slay that? Last Sunday we visited the New York Renaissance Faire in Tuxedo, a festival glorifying the middle ages. I may or may not be a Renaissance man, but I’m definitely in my middle-ages, especially if I live to be 120, so I felt right at home. The theme is ...

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No instrument has captured the essence, energy and evolution of rock and roll music like the electric guitar. Over the geological eons of rock history, the stage personality of each member has been carved out even before they joined the band. The drummer is the goofy one. What is the difference ...

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It feels good to live in a town where people aren’t afraid to come out and get together for an afternoon of self-celebration. Last Saturday the Somers Chamber of Commerce organized such an event and closed car traffic to the Towne Centre so that we could meet some of the people behind the small ...

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Right up Route 84 and over to the east is nice little spot called Newport, Rhode Island. You may have been there but I haven’t, and I’d certainly like to know why. It’s not too far, maybe about three hours by car if there’s no traffic. We encountered traffic however, which slowed us to a ...

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They say that bad things happen in groups of three, and if I ever find out who they are, I’m going to tell them that they are absolutely correct. First, our air conditioning unit went down, then our cable TV went out, then our clothes dryer went on the fritz. Oh, and then the parking brake on my ...

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This weekend I'm reporting to you from sunny Belmar, New Jersey. I know every inch of this small shore town that booms with summer rentals. I've been coming here now for a summer weekend for the last 25 years, by myself. It's a great chance to recharge my batteries and be alone with my thoughts for ...

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You may have heard that some knucklehead on the internet posted an invitation for other knuckleheads on the internet to “storm Area 51” because “they can’t stop all of us!” This post is basically a classified ad, since Area 51 is classified as a highly classified area owned by the Air Force, ...

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You can probably tell by my hair, but I’ve been in a band since I was 12. At the age of 12 you’re not necessarily in the game to make a hit with the ladies, excepting your Mom and Grandma, but it’s good to have a head-start for when you reach puberty. I wanted to play the drums, because I have four ...

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We weekended with friends in the Hamptons, which is the only place you can use “weekend” as a verb. It’s a transitive verb after labor day, but during the summer the traffic is so bad in the Hamptons that it’s an intransitive verb. It’s impossible for non-residents to get around, but Laurie and ...

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Did you survive the heat wave? A heat wave officially occurs when temperatures top 90 degrees for three days in a row, and last weekend was so hot that you could fry an egg on the street. I’ve never fried an egg on the street because I can’t figure out how to make toast on the street to go with it.

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I just had my annual physical, and every year my statistics get worse and worse. My blood pressure is not as great as it used to be, I’m not as tall as I once was, my cholesterol is higher, my temperature is lower, I’m a bit heavier and I don’t have as many hits with runners in scoring position.

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