Because of my deadline, I’m writing this before the fact, but I never received my invitation to the royal nuptials last Saturday. Not even ONE invitation. Nothing. I was camped out at the mailbox all week, and even had a tip for the mailman, and also one from Christmas, which must have gotten lost in the mail. 

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle didn’t announce the guest list, but Nacho Figueras, an Argentinian polo player, was on it and I wasn’t. Obviously a guy who can sit on a horse and chase a ball around with a stick rated higher with them than a highly regarded citizen of the United States who can do a slam-dunk imitation of a barking dog (you choose the breed).
I’m over it now. What would I even wear to an event like this? Is it out of line for a man to wear a fascinator? I think I’m fascinating already but it couldn’t hurt. What about a kilt? What goes underneath? Do they make a “skort” version, like a “skilt?”

Women cannot wear a tiara, but it doesn’t say anything about men. Women should not have bare legs. Even underneath your stockings they should not be bare. As a guide, don’t dress like the Spice Girls. The Spice Girls will actually attend the royal wedding and they have been instructed not to dress like themselves.

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There are also a lot of rules about interacting with the queen. The first time you address her, she should be called “Your Majesty,” which I think is weird because it implies that she is her own majesty. After that, you can call her “Ma’am.” “Your Highness” should only be used when addressing Cheech or Chong. Don’t approach the queen; wait until she approaches you first. You should let her sniff your hand before petting her, or am I thinking of dogs? Don’t monopolize her time with a lot of nonsense, like I’m doing with you. Don’t ask her what stocks she’s in or why they spell “monopolize” with an “s” over there. The only interaction I have had so far with a queen is on my chess board, and after my wife captures her I have to ask if I can visit.

Once you have all the protocols straightened out, the wedding itself should proceed without much fanfare. Except for the actual fanfare, that is. Will they write their own vows? Will they love and cherish each other, in sickness and in health? I know a guy who is divorced, and I asked him exactly how long before his papers were signed did he feel he wasn’t being cherished?

Because that would be a dead giveaway to start hiding your assets.

Will there be a band or DJ at the reception? At every wedding I’ve ever been to they’ve played that song, “Shout.” In the middle, everybody crouches down, with no regard for my bad knee—that’s a one-way ticket for me. It goes on forever because they keep singing “wait a minute!” I finally get all the way back up a few songs later and I need new shocks, at a minimum.

I guess I’ll have to watch the big event on television like the rest of Meghan Markle’s family. At my own wedding, there were no video cameras allowed. And no, not because they weren’t invented yet, wise guy. It’s just that I knew that there would be someone who drank too much, removed most of their clothing and did something that would eventually lead to the invention of the taser. And I knew just who that person would be.

In spite of my absence, I’m sure the whole event will be a smashing success and everyone will leave with a smile on their face, except for Doria Ragland, the mother of the bride. The bride’s family traditionally pays for the wedding and I’d love to see the look on her face her face when she gets the bill.

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