Dad in the Box

November 8, 2018

I want a tattoo.  I am old enough to hang reading glasses around my neck and I want a tattoo.    The question I keep asking myself is, why?  After a lifetime ignoring my skin, why now would I want to turn some weatherworn patch of scratches and scars it into an album cover?  This is not an ...

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I am not sure which scares me more, the impending apocalypse or Halloween making a killing at the box office.   Recently the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) issued a frightening report indicating the global temperature will rise 1.5 degrees Celsius above pre-industrial ...

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I was so excited to receive an important alert on my phone.  It made me feel, I don’t know, special.   Presidential Alert THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System.  No action is needed   Even though I am president of nothing, it was gratifying to know that ...

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On a recent trip to California I ordered a glass of lemonade with lunch.  My ice cold drink came without a straw.     I can’t drink lemonade without a straw.  Margaritas either.  For me, drinking from a glass without a straw is kind of like eating eating soup without a spoon.  Sooner or later ...

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Dropping your son or daughter off at college is a significant event in their lives. For many young adults, this is their first chance to spread their wings and live independently.  They quite naturally face this new chapter in life with a healthy mixture of trepidation and excitement.  ...

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Dear Mr. Vice President,   I heard your speech last week and was inspired.  I am writing to formally enlist in the United States Space Force.    Although eager to serve, I am a little surprised to learn that this next important branch of the armed services will be formed to protect our ...

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I am an artist.  It says so on my T-shirt. My colorful shirt, which significantly inflates my position in life, confers great status.  For one, it announces that I am a musical performer at the up and coming Montclair Jazz Festival.  This separates me from the thousands of other festival goers ...

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How much wood wouldn’t a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck woodn’t?   Enough already.     I get it.  It is an easy mistake to make, misusing would and wouldn’t.  It happens to me all the time.   “Honey, when I said I didn’t see any reason why I would go to the ballet, I ...

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It was close to 70 minutes into the match and I had to go to the bathroom.  Badly. As fans watching the World Cup know too well, bathroom breaks are a serious dilemma, especially for those who don’t have a TV in the loo.  This biological necessity is exasperated by beer, which during World Cup ...

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The last of my children graduated from high school.     My son and daughter threw their caps high into the air and cheered their liberation from one symbolic institution before contemplating their matriculation into other, much larger institutions significantly further away.     Or at ...

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Leslie. . . it would be the bomb . . .  if we could go to prom . . . together.   For the record, Leslie is my wife, and this is my openly public attempt at a promposal.     My twin high school seniors taught me about promposals, those cute, showy, and sometimes over-the-top ways of ...

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I went to a big wedding over the weekend.  It was in England. I like to think I was invited, but according to the Royal Guards and the Thames Valley Police I was not.  But more about that later. You see, not too long ago I received an evite addressed to me from H&M@royalwedbot.co.uk.

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Warning! Nothing you read here will spoil Avengers: Infinity Wars because I didn’t understand it. As a vibrant, relevant, totally hip and “with it” dad I am proud to say that I have now seen every movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  All nineteen of them. I am less proud to admit that, of ...

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I teenaged my way through high school under the assumption that my parents had no idea what I was doing.  I like to think I was pretty good at withholding information and presenting situations in ways that were other than they really were.   Still, sometimes they found things out.  Like the ...

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I find the possibility intriguing that I might be politically influenced just because I “liked” a few goofy cat videos on Facebook.  But then, I also find it intriguing that “like” is now a verb.   I have long accepted the idea that data about me is roaming free in the vast wilderness of ...

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Two ducks are on a flight to Miami.  The first duck says to the second, “you flying south for the winter?”  The second duck replies, “Oh wow, a talking emotional support duck!”   Pa rum pum.   There have been a lot of news stories lately about animals traveling on airplanes.  Some are ...

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I don’t want to be on a first name basis with my refrigerator.   Oh don’t get me wrong, I am all for cool technology—when it works—but I draw the line at talking to appliances.  I have enough trouble carrying on conversations with humans.     But in what must be one of the truly great ...

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I am truly awed by the Olympics.  Watching these superb young athletes on TV inspires me to renew my membership to the gym and pursue my lifelong dream of taking home the gold.     The problem is that in my deluded head, I can see actually see myself standing atop the podium.  I am wrapped in ...

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Honey, I am going to take the Roadster out for a quick spin around the sun. I’ll be back in a few million years.   That’s nice dear. While you are out, could you pick up a gallon of milk?   In what has to be the greatest road trip of all time and space, Elon Musk, the visionary ...

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Donald J Trump @realDonaldTrump So great to see the weak and out of control NFL finally come together to make AMERICA FIRST IN THE SUPER BOWL thanks to my tremendous efforts. So why has no one asked me to throw out the first pitch? Sad. #MakeRomanNumeralsNumbersAgain.   Hey sports fans, ...

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In 2013 a man in the UK cleaned out his junk drawer and absently tossed an old hard drive dismantled from a Dell Computer into the trash.  The hard drive, rusting in landfill somewhere in Wales, contains 7500 bitcoins.     At the time, his staggering loss was about $4 million.  But if he had ...

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It is the beginning of January, which means college applications are due.   This is the time where high school seniors all across the country place their academic souls on the line and compete for spots in colleges and universities that reject more students than they accept.     And so, ...

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Seriously, Grinch?   I am standing in line at the checkout counter of our local grocery store.  An obviously perturbed woman and her young daughter are staring at my cart.  It contains twelve tubs of Edy’s Limited Edition Slow Churned Peppermint Ice Cream because I have just cleared out the ...

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The other day I was talking to our cat . . .   Hmmm.  It says here that dogs are smarter than cats. What are you reading, Mad Magazine? No seriously, this article in the Times claims that a scientific study conducted at Vanderbilt University recently discovered that dogs have twice as many ...

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I have a public admission to make.   I am the buyer who purchased Leonardo Da Vinci's Salvator Mundi at auction.    OK, I realize it is preposterous to think that I could pay 450 million dollars to purchase a piece of art.  After all, I know nothing about art.    And for $450 ...

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My daughter recently played the last soccer game of her career.     Yippee!  No more practices!  No more tournaments!  No more long drives to obscure fields!  No more tiny black turf pellets all over the car!   No more selfish surges of pride watching her athletic achievements.  No more ...

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Recently I treated myself to a day at a spa, complete with mud baths, ice therapy, natural skin exfoliates, and ultra hyper-electrolysis.   Unfortunately, this particular spa treatment also came with a 12-mile run and 12,000 idiots like me who for some reason equate pain with ...

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Don’t you have homework to do?   My teenage daughter is watching TV, texting, facetiming, instagramming, listening to music, and typing on a laptop all at the same time.    Don’t you have homework to do?  I have to repeat myself a little louder because she is insulated in her electronic ...

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I thought I was done with school projects.   You know, the kind of projects that involve cardboard and paint and glue and styrofoam and a panicked run to the hobby store the night before they are due.  When my kids were younger they seemed to be inundated each year with these unique hands-on ...

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I used to think I was special.     But it turns out I am not.  I am just one measly name in 143 million.     You see, that’s the number of lucky Americans who had their personal data purloined in a massive data breach at Equifax, the credit reporting agency.  At least I am not ...

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