At long last, it is finally upon us.
In a matter of days, Americans all over the country will venture forth to proudly exercise their individuality on the most anticipated day of this election year.
I am, of course, referring to Halloween.
This year the annual frightfest celebrating candy shakedowns and macabre costumes will be tempered significantly by the pandemic threat. On October 31st, zombies will be social distancing, vampires will be swearing off blood, and Frankensteins will be stretching face masks over the bolts in their necks.
So what is truly frightening this Halloween? I can tell you that trick-or-treating with red pom poms glued to a bathing cap may be a little too raw for some people. But there are some costumes you can make at home that are sure to strike fear into the hearts of anyone you meet.
So for those still trying to make up their minds, here are five-and-a-half cheap and disturbing costumes guaranteed to disgust, outrage, and scare anyone you meet.
One. For this you will need some construction paper and a large cardboard box big enough to place over your body. Tip: if you order the construction paper from Amazon it will come in a vastly oversized box perfect for your use.
Cover the box entirely with blue construction paper. Add some creative accents of red and white for color and personalized design. Next cut a narrow rectangular slot near the top of the box, so that you can see when you place the box over your head.
Finally, print the following on a white piece of paper and tape it to the front of the box just below the eye cut out: Tampering with this ballot box is a felony. When you ring the doorbell, yell “trick or treat” and then run away and hide where no one can find you.
Mail fraud! Voter suppression! Oh the horror!
Two. Here is something that is sure to send shivers down the spine of anyone who sees you. Pick up a 2 x 3 poster board at Staples. Using an Exacto knife, carefully cut out an oval in the middle of the board about the size of your face. Snip a few large rubber bands and glue the ends to each side of the hole you have cut out.
Next go through the magazines and catalogs that come in the mail each day and cut out random faces in neat, 2 inch squares. The more the better! Now carefully glue them in orderly rows on the front of your poster board.
Press the board to your face through the hole and secure it around the back of your head with the rubber bands.
Ding dong. Zoom or treat!
Make it stop! I can’t take anymore!
Three. On Halloween, everyone is afraid of the unknown. Now you too can frighten almost everyone you meet. Here is how you do it.
Order a fiery red MAGA hat online. Carefully cover the white letters with waterproof tape and then dye the hat blue. Now take a face mask and cut it in half lengthwise so that it only covers your nose.
An undecided voter? Agghhhh! I thought they didn't exist!
Four. What does the grim reaper look like in a pandemic? How about this. Take a box of incandescent light bulbs and tie them in a chain to a long piece of twine. You can also use strings of dead Christmas lights.
Dress in dark clothing and wear a black hoodie sweatshirt pulled tight over your head. For dramatic effect, makeup your face with white base and dark eye shadow. Now drape the string of unlit light bulbs over your neck and walk as if you are carrying a heavy chain.
To be or not to be, that is the question. You are now the lights of Broadway.
Turn them back on! Please, turn them back on!
Five. For this spooky halloween costume you will again need a large piece of cardboard. Tape some furring strips to make the cardboard strong and hold it upright.
Now take a picture of your pet. It could be your dog or your cat or your iguana. Use Powerpoint to enlarge the picture in sections such that each can be printed on an 8x10 sheet of paper. Print each mosaic piece then carefully cut and glue them together on the placard so that you have created a large cardboard cutout perfect for empty stadium seats.
Hold up the placard, play some fan noise on your phone, and trick-or-treat as a 2020 baseball fan.
World Series? Where is everybody?
Five and a half. Trick-or-treat as a bank robber with latex gloves and a mask over your face. You are plenty scary as the new normal.
Noooooo. Somebody save me!
Please stay sane this Halloween, whatever you decide to be.