I thought the shortage of toilet paper in March was bad. But now I find that soon we may not be able to secure illegal fireworks. What next, a run on citronella candles?
I am stocking up on rolls of Charmin again, which I plan to ignite and launch into the sky from my backyard on the 4th of July.
It is still June, and it seems everywhere fireworks are exploding without explanation. Complaints of excessive noise and fire raining from the sky are clogging 311 hotlines in cities all across America as firecrackers, bottle rockets, and aerial artillery shells concuss the night sky.
I believe it is all due to a secret government Psy Ops program designed to thwart the very real threat of conspiracy theories in our country. Young male operatives with trucks are wiping clean the shelves of fireworks retailers everywhere and taking it to the streets. Popular pyrotechnic products like the Red White and Boom, the X-9 Finale, and the ever popular Digit Disintegrator 500 are now in short supply.
And it is no surprise that the supply chain of fireworks keeping everyone up at night originates from China. For those with very short memories, this is the same country that gave us novel fortune cookies, a claim that is vigorously denied by the mainstream news media, historians, lawyers, bakers, and girl scouts everywhere. I am just saying.
As someone who routinely pedals in the creative manipulation of facts in the name of irony, I can attest that some of this is true. It is time to wake up people! Through the ingenious manipulation of supply and demand, the government is taking away our god given right to buy fireworks in Pennsylvania so we can break the law in New Jersey.
Let’s face it, illegal fireworks are as American as apple pie and swallowing goldfish. Back when I was a kid, the thrill of igniting firecrackers was only matched by the danger of getting caught and losing a couple of fingers. Fireworks, after all, are extremely dangerous.
Which explains their appeal among the large segment of the population who enjoy really big bangs.
And if fireworks weren’t enticing, we would never oooh and aaah the colorful fire trails, bone rattling booms, and subsequent ash fall out on warm, star-lit Fourth of July evenings. There certainly are safer and less obtrusive ways to celebrate independence, whether it be from the British or a long winter spent in quarantine.
Like, for instance, watching how many hot dogs a human being can eat in 10 minutes.
But cancelling professional fireworks due to Covid-19 does not alone explain the random “light it and run” expressions of freedom we are witnessing outside urban neighborhood windows across America each night. Which is why I suspect the government is behind it.
I am just not sure which government. Or how to prove they are behind it.
This is how I know it is a conspiracy.
And I fear that a coordinated fireworks epidemic on our streets may be only the tip of the iceberg, which coincidentally we are being led to believe is melting due to global warming. If that iceberg indeed melts, who knows what we'll discover?
Just as we are being harassed by loud, mysterious fireworks in the night, a report leaked by scientists just days ago claims that an equally mysterious Neutron Star 2.5 times the mass of the Sun was obliterated by a black hole in space some 800 million light years from earth. The resulting explosion was so intense, it was picked up by a super sensitive gravitational wave detector as far away as Louisiana while we were sleeping.
As you know, neutron stars and black holes are illegal in New Jersey.
But here is the scary part. If you looked out the window 800 million years ago you wouldn’t even see it. Because the government doesn’t want you to see it. That is why it is a black hole.
So why, after a billion years, are we just hearing about all of this now, at the exact same time mysterious fireworks are wreaking havoc in neighborhoods all over the country? Coincidence?
Not since Ford released the Pinto in 1970 have unexplained explosions generated such intense scrutiny.
And now we are being told by meteorologists that a dust plume of historic proportions originating in the Sahara Desert and traveling 5000 miles over the Atlantic will be clouding the skies over the weekend.
It is clear as day. Whoever is behind this conspiracy will stop at nothing to cover it up.
I don’t know about you, but I am exercising my second amendment right and arming myself with Tiki torches this summer while they are still legal. They are in the Garden Center at Home Depot.