There is nothing that puts me in the holiday spirit quite so much as visits from extraterrestrials.
While I was hosting a potential Thanksgiving super-spreader event with my immediate family against the advice of government officials who themselves were hosting potential super-spreader events with their immediate families, I was thrilled to learn that little green men were perhaps busy erecting mystical objects on remote desert plains.
I am not talking Santa’s elves tink tink tinking their little toys at the North Pole. I am talking about visitors from outer space. Aliens from distant galaxies. Sentient beings calling on our puny planet once again to finish the work they started with the Great Pyramid and Stonehenge and the miles of preternatural Nazca Lines etched into Peruvian sands.
Just before Thanksgiving, the world was presented with startling evidentiary photographs taken in a remote desert area in northern Utah, revealing a triangular metal monolith reminiscent of Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey rising from the sandstone floor. Hidden deep within a closed ravine, the gleaming reflective pillar stood 9.54 ft tall with equilateral sides measuring exactly 23.0 cm.
And mysteriously, there was no explanation of what it was or how it got there or why. Kind of like the bald spot on the back of my head.
But if you take the ratio of the height to the three-sided circumference you get a number that is almost but not quite equivalent to the spiritual Golden Ratio imbued in the dimensions of the Great Pyramid of Giza.
And this particular monolith wasn’t magnetic, so operating as a resonant tuning fork to the earth’s magnetic field during winter solstice was probably not going to cure Covid or relieve my male pattern baldness.
OK, maybe the aliens were a little sloppy, but it's the effort that counts. And clearly someone in the know thought it was important enough to examine the damn thing to see if it passed an alien proof of concept.
This should not be taken lightly. In July the workings of the Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon Task Force were revealed during a senate hearing. Emerging from a covert group disbanded years ago, the reconstituted intelligence organization has been working quietly to catalog unexplained aerial vehicles, apparently with some success.
Because within their secret files are accounts of materials gathered from crash sites that are not of this world. Of course that definition could easily include things like window cranks, shift knobs, and eight-track cassette players.
Archived satellite information seemed to indicate that the recently discovered reflective prism appeared in the inaccessible location sometime between July and October, 2016. This was shortly after Donald Trump was nominated for president, indicating a high potential for collusion and coverup that are the hallmarks of extraterrestrial, or maybe Russian, interference.
I became even more excited when reports of another metal monolith emerged out of Romania. Apparently an identically shaped steel pillar had been discovered on the top of Bâtca Doamnei Hill in the city of Piatra Neamt.
Wherever that is. Fortunately aliens are much better at earth geography than I am.
This new monolith was eerily similar to the one in Utah, except smaller and hammered with not-so-cryptic squiggly circles on metal plates that were poorly welded together, suggesting to some an alien knock off in clear violation of intergalactic patent law.
A day later the monolith in Nevada instantly vanished. Poof. Gone.
And just as quick, the monolith in Romania disappeared. Poof. Gone.
Briefly I considered that the extraterrestrials, no doubt embarrassed by their inability to shake up humankind, had returned to earth to pick up the shoddy merchandise they had deposited so hastily on our planet. But then I learned that it was unimpressed humans who had removed the Utah monolith fearing that thousands of tourists would flock to the site in a selfish desire to touch the transcendental metal piling, stand erect, and discover fire.
So much for the advancement of civilization.
But to my delight, it seems that aliens have just recently plopped down yet another monolith, this time at the apex of a hilltop path in Atascadero, California. No one knows how it got there, although since it was found on a hiking trail near Highway 101, it could have easily been delivered by Amazon.
But I am hoping it is something more inexplicable.
I am clearly pulling for the aliens here. I want them to get it right. This is too important for our future.
Surely they can implant something immutable and awe inspiring far beyond our ability to comprehend or manufacture. Something hulking and illuminating. Something that we can’t just explain away with science or wishful thinking. Something of this world that our ancestors will ponder for millennia.
Hey Mr. Spaceman. Are you listening?