I think I may have socially distanced myself from reality.
I find it difficult to speak. I have a problem words putting together. I repeat myself again and again and again. I forget what I am saying and my thoughts trail off and I have trouble finishing
Under normal conditions, I can converse with little very effort. Even when I have nothing to say. Just ask my family.
I open my mouth and with a minimum of forethought, words come out. Sometimes they are good words. Sometimes big words. And sometimes, when they are put together in just the right order, they convey some meaning or feeling. Even when wrong. Just ask family.
Sorry. My. Just ask my family.
But now in relative isolation, I find that I have become a man of very few words. Two to be exact. Unhhh and UnhhhUnhhh. They are articulated as grunts. Like a caveman.
For a while I was holding just fingers up. One for yes, two for the other one. But I worried that my vocal cords would dry up and whither, and that when this was all said and done I would sound like Rod Stewart. So I have taken to grunting in order to exercise them. Like a caveman.
Did I mention that already? That I am a caveman?
It is not as bad as it sounds. Certainly better than Rod Stewart. And today I added a third word when my daughter informed me I was wearing my T-shirt outside in. Huh? I grunted.
I am told by the TV on experts that in this inside period in which we are all alone in the inside, maintaining mental health is important. That sense makes a lot to me.
For example, sticking to a schedule is important. It is not enough to just get up in the morning and go to bed at night like do I. I need to be eating at regular times and establishing routines for doing all of the things I am not doing.
I should not be watching the news so much. Check.
I should take deep breaths and stretch. Does yawning count? Check.
I should be eating well-balanced meals. I guess like maintaining cheerios on a spoon without dropping them. Check.
I should be exercising. I am exercising caution. Check.
I should get plenty of sleep. Checkmate.
I should avoid alcohol. Five out of six isn’t so bad.
So why am I losing my grip on reality?
And why am I also losing all track of time? Maybe it is in the same place as my watch. It is lost two. Sorry, too.
I miss people. Even the people I don’t like very much. I wonder if they don’t miss me? Probably. I have noticed the people who don’t like me all that much have not extended an invitation to Zoom at happy hour. Or even the unhappy hours. Which I guess means that there are a lot of people who don’t miss me, even among the people who do.
This can’t be true, can it? When my sanity returns I will have to think about this.
Let’s see. What else?
Oh! I took a shower. Did I tell you that? Yeah, it was sometime in the morning. I am not sure if it was today or last week. Time goes by so quickly, you know. Why it seems like just yesterday that I forgot what point I was trying to make.
Anyway, the main thing on my mind is my mind. And I am beginning to feel like I am losing both of them. As I said poorly so a few sentences or days ago, I worry that my mind is not being healthy. It feels damp and heavy in my head like it is in a spin cycle without a lint trap.
Maybe I just need to give it some fresh air. Maybe from within my Whirlpool head cave I should try reaching out to people by phone or video chat and conversing more. Maybe I should start combing my hair. And wearing pants.
Because when normalcy and reality diverge, it is important to communicate. To friends. To family. Heck, even to people you may not know. Despite social isolation, we can still make the effort to Zoom bomb random meetings and meet new people, can’t we?
I think communicating more and not less is what I am trying to say, but I don’t know if I told you, I am having words with trouble right now.
So let me share a final thought. Sunday is Easter. Or maybe Easter is Sunday. I can’t remember which. But I am going to search for my sanity by hiding eggs.
And when my normalcy mind returns, I really look forward to finding them.