west-orange

Dad in the Box

April 4, 2021

Hello? Hi Sweetie. It’s me. Hey, I’m gonna be a little late. I’m stuck in traffic. Oh no! When do you think you will be home? Maybe a week. A week? Yeah, nothing is moving. Some idiot got stuck in the canal. The whole thing is blocked off. What? How can that be? Well the canal ...

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I don’t know why anyone would want to take candy from a baby, but apparently it is easy. Like a walk in the park. Like riding a bike. Like falling off a log. Like shooting fish in a barrel. I remember once watching an episode of MythBusters on TV where they explored the metaphorical concept ...

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Spring is here. Let the madness begin. I am not talking about spring break in Daytona Beach or barhopping in El Paso or vaccination signups over the Internet. No, I am talking about the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament in Indianapolis. This year there is a great deal of pent-up demand ...

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Position: Royal PIA within HR Department Location: Buckingham Palace Salary: Negotiable Benefits: Off site parking and a chance to see The Queen About Us Founded in 1917 after a succession of monarchs dating back to the ninth century, The House of Windsor is the reigning Royal House of the ...

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That Sam-I-Am, that Sam-I-Am, I do not like that Sam-I-Am. So begins Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss. In which a frumpy, pear-shaped relative of Sasquatch wearing nothing but floppy ears and a crumpled stovepipe hat lets fly his contempt for an impish, mustard-fur bipedal monkey cat named Sam ...

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I will be glad when all this QAnon conspiracy nonsense is behind us and we can finally return to the more relevant and pressing plots that obsess us. Like UFOs and visitors from other planets. In what to me is a welcome return to normalcy, there has been a nostalgic resurgence in unidentified ...

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I want to print a small house in the woods. I have long dreamed of a simpler life, far removed from the day-to-day stress of work pressures and financial pressures and social pressures and family pressures and the unrelenting demand for new passwords that must be at least 12 characters in ...

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To follow the path, look to the master, follow the master, walk with the master, see through the master, become the master. – Zen Proverb Where snow in my driveway is concerned, this pretty much captures my philosophy. To follow the wide swath from my garage to the street I look to my ...

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Let the GameStop begin! I haven’t been this invested in losing money since I forgot the password to my bitcoin account. Like everyone else, I have been enthralled by the recent runup in GameStop (GME) stock fueled by the populous potential for quick profits and, if you act right now, a chance ...

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I need help. My computer stopped working. And given that there are no signs of glowing screen life, my software troubleshooting skills are pretty much useless. I have run out of options. It is midnight in the time of Covid and the Genius bar is closed. So is the bar in town. What I need is ...

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When I was little, my dad, who knew everything, gave me a present. I watched with curious anticipation one day as he tied a long length of thread taken from my mom’s sewing basket onto the closed ends of a thick wire coat hanger. He instructed me to place the loop of thread over the top of my ...

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It is that time of year again. Where we sign up for gym memberships and then drive home disgruntled because on the first day of our January resolution the Lifecycle bikes to nowhere are fully occupied and there is a line for seaweed and kale shakes at the juice bar. The good news is that the ...

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On the first day of quarantine my true love gave to me . . . I am not given to hallucinations, or wild imaginings, or ruminations on the supernatural. I like to think my countenance is of the earth, bound by the walls of my own design. But I had a strange dream last night, one that defies ...

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Well, it is finally here. I am not talking about Hanukkah. Or Christmas. Or the season finale of The Amazing Race. I am talking about the much anticipated Covid-19 vaccine. Unfortunately, most of us won’t be eligible for this magic elixir for a while. We won’t be lighting a candle or rummaging ...

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There is nothing that puts me in the holiday spirit quite so much as visits from extraterrestrials. While I was hosting a potential Thanksgiving super-spreader event with my immediate family against the advice of government officials who themselves were hosting potential super-spreader events ...

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Dear diary, I love Thanksgiving. Even though I don’t get any presents, it is my favoritest holiday of the whole year. On Thanksgiving Day our family gets together at our house. My aunts and uncles and cousins and grandmas and grandpas. Sometimes even some awkward girlfriends and boyfriends ...

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Watching Jeopardy! always makes me feel like an idiot. I am not very good with random knowledge. Or mental processes in general. I rationalize this major shortcoming as an impetus for learning, as if knowledge is somehow a finite reservoir. The way I look at it, the more I know, the less there ...

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There is nothing worse than football metaphors. Except maybe bottom of the ninth baseball metaphors. “Doing an end around” or “throwing a hail mary” to “get across the goal line” are all tired football phrases that I have heard unimaginative analysts haul out to describe the presidential ...

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I voted the other day. It was stressful. I had to sign my name. I don’t sign well under pressure. I get performance anxiety. And hand cramps. The ballot part was easy. Just like a standardized test. I filled in the little ovals next to my best and final answers using a number 2 pencil, making ...

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At long last, it is finally upon us. In a matter of days, Americans all over the country will venture forth to proudly exercise their individuality on the most anticipated day of this election year. I am, of course, referring to Halloween. This year the annual frightfest celebrating candy ...

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I missed Ada Lovelace Day, or ALD as it is respectfully referred to by technology geeks who speak in three letter acronyms. Ironically, I was on my computer on October 13th and it passed me by. It didn’t pop up on my Facebook events page and shamefully was not pre-coded into Google Calendar. And ...

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“EedleeedleBeeedleedleedleeDleldelbeeldeldleBedleeedlEelddlebedeleeedle . . .” - Eddie Van Halen guitar intro to Eruption I once tried to transcribe the Van Halen guitar solo from Michael Jackson’s hit Beat It on my Stratocaster electric guitar. After many hours of diligent repetition that made ...

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Zoo removes parrots from view after they kept swearing at guests. Fox News Parrots in wildlife park moved after swearing at visitors. CNN Parrots separated at British zoo after encouraging each other to curse. CBS News Presidential Debate: How the world’s media reacted. BBC Like a lot ...

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For Sale at Auction One pre-owned Tyrannosaurus Rex dinosaur. Good condition. 188 original bones. Stands 13 ft high x 40 ft. long. Assembly required. Original box. Free shipping with Amazon Prime. Final sale only. No returns or exchanges. If you thought museums were the only venues for large ...

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At the risk of sounding political, I believe in science. I spent way too many hours subjecting my brain to a Math-O-Matic blender of science classes in school to discount it. Let’s face it, nobody would have made it that hard if there wasn’t some validity to it. Oh I believe in other ...

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If they didn’t wear masks in California before, they certainly do now. Smoke and ash obscure the dark orange skies as millions of acres burn out of control encroaching on homes and entire towns. It is the kind of apocalyptic event that makes me glad I live in New Jersey. But even so far away, it ...

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deanofstudents@tu.edu  -  Important Updates  -  Today 12:32 pm Dear TU Student, As some of you prepare for your return to campus and some of you prepare for your return to laptops at home, I am sure you have many questions about what to expect this school year at Transitory ...

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I am not a big fan of geometry. Of all of the math courses I suffered through in school, and there were a lot, bisecting circles and triangles was my least favorite. For some reason which I still can’t understand, I took a lot of math, including a desperation class in college I needed to ...

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"In matters of the heart it is always better to want something you don't have than to have something you don't want." ~ Patti LaBelle Something Old Breaking up is hard to do. Especially wearing a mask. Especially from six feet away. My daughter, after weathering separation from her first ...

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When everything “opened up” this summer I didn’t think it would include my mouth. But I probably should have perceived that at some point during this pandemic I would have to visit the dentist. Over the past six months I have gotten used to moving previously outsourced services in-house. For ...

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