Dad in the Box

October 4, 2018

I was so excited to receive an important alert on my phone.  It made me feel, I don’t know, special.   Presidential Alert THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System.  No action is needed   Even though I am president of nothing, it was gratifying to know that ...

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On a recent trip to California I ordered a glass of lemonade with lunch.  My ice cold drink came without a straw.     I can’t drink lemonade without a straw.  Margaritas either.  For me, drinking from a glass without a straw is kind of like eating eating soup without a spoon.  Sooner or later ...

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Dropping your son or daughter off at college is a significant event in their lives. For many young adults, this is their first chance to spread their wings and live independently.  They quite naturally face this new chapter in life with a healthy mixture of trepidation and excitement.  ...

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Dear Mr. Vice President,   I heard your speech last week and was inspired.  I am writing to formally enlist in the United States Space Force.    Although eager to serve, I am a little surprised to learn that this next important branch of the armed services will be formed to protect our ...

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I am an artist.  It says so on my T-shirt. My colorful shirt, which significantly inflates my position in life, confers great status.  For one, it announces that I am a musical performer at the up and coming Montclair Jazz Festival.  This separates me from the thousands of other festival goers ...

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How much wood wouldn’t a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck woodn’t?   Enough already.     I get it.  It is an easy mistake to make, misusing would and wouldn’t.  It happens to me all the time.   “Honey, when I said I didn’t see any reason why I would go to the ballet, I ...

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It was close to 70 minutes into the match and I had to go to the bathroom.  Badly. As fans watching the World Cup know too well, bathroom breaks are a serious dilemma, especially for those who don’t have a TV in the loo.  This biological necessity is exasperated by beer, which during World Cup ...

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The last of my children graduated from high school.     My son and daughter threw their caps high into the air and cheered their liberation from one symbolic institution before contemplating their matriculation into other, much larger institutions significantly further away.     Or at ...

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Leslie. . . it would be the bomb . . .  if we could go to prom . . . together.   For the record, Leslie is my wife, and this is my openly public attempt at a promposal.     My twin high school seniors taught me about promposals, those cute, showy, and sometimes over-the-top ways of ...

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I went to a big wedding over the weekend.  It was in England. I like to think I was invited, but according to the Royal Guards and the Thames Valley Police I was not.  But more about that later. You see, not too long ago I received an evite addressed to me from H&M@royalwedbot.co.uk.

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Warning! Nothing you read here will spoil Avengers: Infinity Wars because I didn’t understand it. As a vibrant, relevant, totally hip and “with it” dad I am proud to say that I have now seen every movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  All nineteen of them. I am less proud to admit that, of ...

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I teenaged my way through high school under the assumption that my parents had no idea what I was doing.  I like to think I was pretty good at withholding information and presenting situations in ways that were other than they really were.   Still, sometimes they found things out.  Like the ...

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I find the possibility intriguing that I might be politically influenced just because I “liked” a few goofy cat videos on Facebook.  But then, I also find it intriguing that “like” is now a verb.   I have long accepted the idea that data about me is roaming free in the vast wilderness of ...

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Two ducks are on a flight to Miami.  The first duck says to the second, “you flying south for the winter?”  The second duck replies, “Oh wow, a talking emotional support duck!”   Pa rum pum.   There have been a lot of news stories lately about animals traveling on airplanes.  Some are ...

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Like 80 million other Americans I watched the presidential debate the other night.  According to the news media, which supposedly fact checks bold assertions like this, the viewership numbers encroached into Super Bowl territory and was the most watched presidential debate in history.   But ...

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There can be no better feeling than hurling an uncooperative piece of electronics out a window.  It must satisfy our most basic human desire for revenge.     Oh yeah?  If you are so smart, how can you be so stupid? That’s what I would say as I watch it smash into pieces on a cold and uncaring ...

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I get all teary-eyed watching the Olympics on TV.  You  know, the human drama, the sacrifice, the dedication, the thrill of competition, the athletic lip sync murmur to the national anthem on the podium.     This year I discovered that there are many other Olympic champions besides the usual ...

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I just returned from a birthday party over the weekend.  It was totally out of control.   At least according to my dad.     It was his birthday.  He turned the big nine-oh.  That is ninety with a capital 9.    I think when you turn 90, an “out of control” birthday party has a ...

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As a rule I stay away from popular fads.  Politics included.   I find my views on the latest crazy trends that are sweeping the nation are usually wrong and completely out of touch with reality.     For example, for years I have been predicting the imminent demise of cell phones and the ...

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Given all the controversy surrounding private email servers circulating the political landscape lately, I have been thinking a lot about email confidentiality. I would share my thoughts with you, but then they wouldn’t be secure. So instead I will blind copy you so that you feel complicit in ...

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I used to think there was nothing more pathetic than a wet cat. I was wrong. A shaved cat is far more distressing. I have seen wet dogs and short-haired dogs and coiffed dogs before.  And except for absurdly groomed poodles, they still look like happy, healthy canines.  And a wet dog will ...

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A man kissed me while I was at a bar refilling my wife’s champagne glass. It is, after all, wedding season. But wait.  Let me back up.   Starting with the Trump rally in San Diego. Police are everywhere, patrolling in cars, on motorcycles, on foot.  In a predominantly hispanic ...

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Winning isn't everything, but it beats anything in second place. - William C. Bryant At 0:00 seconds, when the whistle finally blew, bedlam on an ordinary school lacrosse field in New Jersey ensued.  One side of the field erupted in deafening screams as jubilant high school girls ran to each ...

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My sixteen-year-old twins are worried that I am going to yell at them in the car. Given that they are both new drivers with learner's permits, this a probably a reasonable assumption. But I like to think that dispensing advice in the car is more like the distinction made with laughter:  I am ...

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On a day-to-day basis it makes me feel very secure to know that my teenage kids are emotionally healthy and coping comfortably well with school and life and social interactions at such an impressionable time in their lives. I know this to be true because they tell me. How was school today? ...

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I came back from vacation to some life changing news. It seems that while I was away dedicated scientists working overtime on a very important genetic study revealed the “root” cause of gray hair! (Sorry.) This is life changing because it means that if I go on vacation for a year or two, ...

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Let me just start off by saying that I do not like to cook. I suppose I could add a snarky rejoinder such as If you could taste my cooking you would understand why.  But the fact is, despite my aversion to the kitchen, I actually prepare meals admirably well.   As proof, I offer my healthy ...

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What if they threw a party and no one came? Outside of the obvious feeling of isolation, there is something kind of appealing at the thought of being the only one present at what should otherwise be a well-attended event. Certainly there would be plenty to eat, and for those of us who tend ...

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It may come as a bit of a shock, but I did not win the Powerball lottery last week.  Nor did anyone in my family.  Nor did you.  Just like that our dreams vanished and we were out $1.6 billion.  Not to mention the two dollars we spent on the ticket.  The good news is that a few lucky ...

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It’s 2016! I realize that this is not much of a revelation.  But it seems like only days ago that I woke up with a hangover and it was 2015. In truth, it was more like a week ago and I wasn’t hung over.  I woke on December 31st  with a mild headache then enjoyed a quiet New Years Eve at home ...

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