Lost In Suburbia

Turning Pumpkins into Squash


“The squirrels ate my pumpkins,” I moaned to my husband.

“Is that a secret code for something?” he asked.

“NO!  I had a whole bunch of pumpkins on the front stoop and the squirrels massacred them. Look!”

Sign Up for E-News

I pointed out the window. There lay three pumpkins…or what was left of them. They were strewn about the lawn with big chunks that had been gnawed out.

“How’d they get down there?” asked my husband.

“Apparently the squirrels not only ate my pumpkins, they also played soccer with them.”

Honestly, I was really miffed. Every fall I buy mums and hay and pumpkins and decorate our front stoop. And every fall the deer eat the hay and the squirrels decimate the pumpkins. After 10 years of this, you think I would get the point. But I am either insanely stupid or just unconsciously doing my part to help sustain the wildlife in our area.

I went outside and started to put what was left of my pumpkins back on the stoop. While I was down on the lawn picking up the last one, I turned and saw the brazen little rodents already going to town on the pumpkins I had just put back.

“Hey, get off my pumpkins, you rats!” I yelled. “Scram, shoo!”  I waved my arms around, forgetting that I was still holding a little pumpkin. The stem broke off and the pumpkin flew at my front door, smashing into a million little pumpkin pieces. The squirrels scattered, then returned and started eating the smashed pumpkin.

Muttering evil squirrel things to myself, I got a broom and cleaned up the mess. Then I arranged the two remaining pumpkins to hide the chewed-out parts in the back.

The next morning I came downstairs to let the dog out. I looked out the window and scanned the stoop and noticed that there were no squirrels.

There were also no pumpkins.

I walked outside and looked around, finally locating my two remaining pumpkins at the end of the driveway. One of them was still mostly intact. The other was a pumpkin pancake.  There was a big tire track down the middle. Apparently my husband had run over it with the car when he left for work.

I sighed and took the last chewed-up pumpkin back to the stoop. Then, giggling somewhat hysterically, I got a broom and cleaned up the squished pumpkin in the driveway.

“I have to take some action to defend our last remaining pumpkin,” I told my husband. 

“Got get ‘em, Honey!” he said encouragingly.

Scouring the internet, I discovered that renegade pumpkin-eating squirrels are a common problem out here in suburbia. There were a whole host of solutions suggested by frustrated pumpkin owners, everything from cayenne pepper spray to squirrel-chasing dogs. I had the latter and that didn’t seem to work, so I decided to try the former. I mixed together a potent concoction and then doused my sad little, chewed-up pumpkin.

The next morning, optimistically, I ran outside.

“Hey,” said my husband, peeking out the door. “Did you figure out a way to keep the squirrels from eating the pumpkins?”

“Yes,” I said holding up a pumpkin stem. “Don’t buy more pumpkins.”

Become a fan of Lost in Suburbia on Facebook at facebook.com/LostinSuburbiaFanPage and on twitter at twitter.com/tracybeckerman.

The opinions expressed herein are the writer's alone, and do not reflect the opinions of TAPinto.net or anyone who works for TAPinto.net. TAPinto.net is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the writer.

TAP Into Another Town's News:

You May Also Be Interested In

Sign Up for E-News


The Hatch Act and Immigration Updates

This is for information purposes only. So, when you see headlines like the recent “Kellyanne Conway cited for two violations of the Hatch Act,” you will have a working knowledge of what it means. First off, what is the Hatch Act? This has nothing to do with Orrin Hatch, senator from Utah. Simply put, it states one cannot advocate for or against candidates while serving in an official ...

Are We All Connected?

A question that has long plagued me is whether we, as a species, have evolved in our consciousness of our interconnectedness to one another.

Influential philosophers, writers, economists and politicians have debated whether that should be our focus in the first place. Writers such as Ayn Rand (“The Fountainhead”) and her followers have suggested that our center of attention should ...

To Harrison, L'Chaim!

At long last, the smile of spring approaches, as an angry winter recedes into good riddance. Our spirit is ready to be re-charged. Damn the power outages, full speed ahead!

For my wife, Elyse, daughter, Elissa, and me, this otherwise exuberant time of year brings a confusion of mixed emotions. In 2003, on the opening day of spring, March 20, which happens to be my birthday, our 15-year-old son ...

Whose Hypocrisy?

March 7, 2018

Councilman Ed Lachterman has an unbridled First Amendment right to critique actions of the new Town Board majority and administration (Feb. 22, “An ‘air of hypocrisy’ at town hall”). But in the court of public opinion, his comments will fare poorly before those who respect objective truth.

The councilman’s political self-interest in the manufacture of non-issues ...

When It's Not OK to Ask If Everything's OK

There is this thing that I do that annoys the heck out of my family. Well, to be honest, there are a lot of things I do that annoy the heck out of my family, but I am thinking of one thing in particular.

Whenever someone is in the bathroom for what I determine to be an abnormally long period of time, I stand outside the bathroom door and yell,


I ...

Reading Across America With Dr. Seuss

Dear Dr. Linda,

I’m a school librarian and I wanted to remind your readers that March 2 was “Read Across America Day.”  Teachers, librarians and others who read with children encourage schools, libraries and parents to celebrate this day with their children. This special date was chosen because it is the birthday of Dr. Seuss, the adored children’s author. That ...

Hold Con Edison Accountable

March 14, 2018

To the editor,

I am writing to suggest that my fellow residents assist in holding Con Edison responsible for its disastrous handling of these storms and, further, to support steps that would ensure these now common shortcomings are not repeated.

Like too many here, I, my wife and three children ages 5, 3, and 8 months have been without power for more than a week. That we could live within ...

Upcoming Events

Fri, March 23, 8:00 PM

OAC Steamer Co. Firehouse, Ossining

2018 Living Art Event

Arts & Entertainment

Sat, March 24, 10:00 AM

Jefferson Valley Mall , Yorktown Heights

Yorktown Indoor Farmers Market

Food & Drink Health & Wellness

Sat, March 24, 12:00 PM

Club Fit, Jefferson Valley

Yoga for Women with Cancer

Health & Wellness

Seton Holds First Social Fundraiser

March 14, 2018

St. Elizabeth Ann Seton school, 1375 East Main St., Shrub Oak will be hosting it's first ever Social Fundraiser on Friday, May 4th, 2018 in the Seton school gym.  Seton extends it's invitation to all to join in a night of food, fun, and dozens of raffles and silent auctions.  Entry tickets must be purchased in advance. Tickets purchased by April 6th will be $35 per person; ...